What Not to Say to a Writer

As a writer, always have a sideline job you can mention at cocktail parties.


At these parties inevitably someone comes up to you and asks what you do for a living. If you say you are a writer, their very next question will be: “What have you published?” If you say, nothing, the person will sniff as if you have developed a bad odor and avoid you for the rest of the party. If you name a book, they will look you up and down and say, “I’ve never heard of it,” and avoid you for the rest of the party.


The friendly guy comes over, pats you on the back and tells you they just heard you are a writer. You know from whom! The friendly guy will tell you they have been thinking of writing a book. You perk up. A potential ally in the isolation of your writing career? You ask how long? The friendly guy laughs. “Oh, I haven’t written a word. I figure I could push out a book over the weekend. Writing can’t be that hard to do.”


The friendly guy leaves and you are blindsided by a young lady dressed in black with blood purple lipstick. She stares at you. You stare back. She stares back. You smile. She stares some more. “I heard you’re a writer.” Guess from whom? You nod. She squints she is staring so hard. “What about?” You tell her “Life.” She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath and whispers, “Awesome.”


You slide away while she has her eyes closed and join a group. “Oh, you’re a writer? comes from this grey-haired lady dripping in pearls. “That’s great; I have this wonderful story about something true that happened to me, and I just know that it would be a bestseller if I could find a REAL WRITER to write it up, and you could have half the money!”


Then you hear someone ask this young woman, “Are you the writer?” She shakes her head and says, “But I have this book I’m going to write when I get a free weekend.” The other person, a man speaking to her breasts, “Yeah, sounds great. Is it going to be non-fiction or fiction?” She smiles sweetly, looking at his crotch, “Oh, definitely non-fiction.” The man licks his lips, “Yeah, what about?” The young woman licks her lips, “Oh, I’m making it up.”


You turn around as a loud fellow points at you. “You’re the writer?” You nod. The loud fellow looks at everyone in the group, winks and asks you, “Can you tell me the theme of your book in one sentence?” You open your mouth and he interrupts, “Because if you can’t tell me the theme of your 400-page book then you’re not really a writer. A Real Writer will be able to shoot out one sentence that tells what the whole book is about.”


The woman next to the loud fellow says, “Like a sound bite.” The redheaded woman says, “In the movies they call that the trailer.” The loud fellow snaps his fingers, “Just like that,” and everyone nods their head. You leave to refresh your drink.


The bartender asks if you are having a good time. Always on the lookout for a good plot, you ask the bartender, “I bet you see a lot here?” The bartender hums a yes. “Must have tons of stories about things that have happened in places like this?” He nods. “Care to share one with me?” He asks, “Why? You a writer?” You beam. “Yes. Does it show?” “Nah. It’s always the writers that ask weird questions like that.”


Then he leans closer to you, “Man, how do you think up all those plots?” You wave your hand at the crowd. “There’s a thousand stories in the naked city.” He looks blank. “Look around. All of these people have something going on in their lives.” The bartender snorts. “You’re telling me. I get an earful all night. One sob story after the other. Cheez. You’d think they’d have enough of that with their therapists.” You leave your drink and the party.


You stop off at home to check on your sainted mother. “Hi, mom.” “Where have you been? I smell booze on you.” You laugh. “What have you been up to?” You open your mouth. “You still with that computer thing. Writing stories. When are you going to get serious and get a real job? Don’t you want to have a real job?” You kiss her on the cheek and tell her you love her.


You head home. Your keyboard waits for you. The hardest and best job in the world and you love it.


Well, maybe except for being a parent and a bartender.

Where do writers get their ideas? Part 2

Last week, I addressed the question: Where do writers get their ideas? I posted this news bit: Eridania Rodriguez, Cleaning Woman, Vanishes At Skyscraper Near Ground Zero :: from www.huffingtonpost.com


Can you see the potential here? First, Eridania Rodriguez can be a man impersonating a woman. As a spy to gather important info. Or as a jealous man checking out what his girlfriend is doing. It could be a woman seeking confirmation for a news story she wants published.


Okay, let’s go with the reporter. This stylish woman dresses in uniform, speaks English badly, and wears a grey wig to hide her long, black hair. And she vanishes.


Now setting. She wishes to expose the corruption in big business. But say, Skyscraper is a “time traveling spaceship.” Then she is stowing away to discover the secret destination of the scientist that are working on this project. People are disappearing. Word out is that individuals are being kidnapped to inhabit a new world. The scientists use these people as guinea pigs on another planet to see if they can survive the terrain. Yet…


What is Ground Zero? That’s what caught my attention when I read this news bit from Hispanic Tips.


Is Ground Zero the new colony being built because the scientists know the world is dying? Or is Ground Zero the place that terrorist will bomb when the President visits? (I read too many mysteries!) Or is Ground Zero the room where fraternity boys take virgins to score points in their game? Or is Ground Zero an entry way to a new dimension? Or worse, is Ground Zero where people of color are taken to imbed a device in their brain to make them docile?


As you can see, the list is endless.


Misa Ramirez http://misaramirez.com left this idea in her comment:
Hmmm, I think I would go X-Files with this. I’m in a supernatural mood right now, so maybe something like she’s lost a baby, and also lost her mind, and she’s channeling la Llorona. Now she’s wandering, searching for her child. Mwahahahaha!


A bit of SciFi mixed with Latino folktales. Who says it can’t be done?


The answer has been right in front of your face. Where do writers get their ideas? From anything in everywhere!


Thank you for visiting,
Jo Ann


P.S. Misa wins a copy of The Disappearance of Irene Dos Santos By Margaret Mascarenhas. Congratulations Misa!

Opinions and Ideas Column by a Latina Writer

By Jo Ann Hernández – July 5, 2009

Okay here it is. I am writing a Sunday column. That may not sound like big news to you and it certainly is in my life. You’ll learn why soon enough. Keep reading each Sunday to find out why. And that’s not a teaser to keep you coming back. It’s for real.


I am afraid. Really afraid. You’ll also find out why later. I began my twitter account, @BronzeWord, expecting to never have any followers. I’ve reached 2,600 followers and can hardly believe it. Who would want to listen to what I have to say?


With this twitter account, I promised myself that I was going to be me, with all my zits, wrinkles, and paranoia. I was going to speak my mind as frankly and direct as I do in person. I truly expected to be thrown out of Twitter.


I practiced with a few remarks. With time, I became bolder. Then I actually said something about racism, and the roof didn’t fall on my head. I’d like to think that some of those followers liked my honesty, but I don’t know. No one has ever said anything to me directly.


This experience has strengthened my resolve to the point that I can now take the first tentative steps to writing this column. I am a good person. However, I am opinionated as heck. I am also paranoid. (With laughter, I recently read a comment in an article that stated, Authors are accused of being paranoid. Of course, we’re paranoid. That’s what makes us good authors. I very much liked that as a cover for my own paranoia.) I tend to see layers upon layers of intrigue and dubious constructed logic. Logic that is usually aimed at those “others” which I am a proud member.


I am still afraid, and I am going to write this column. I am going to write a lot about writing. The book industry. The blocks to Latino success in the book industry. Who makes it and why/Who doesn’t make it and why? I am going to write about contests?-not just about doing them, but about the chancing of winning them. I am going to write about authors, and style, proposals, queries, agents, editors, you name it. I follow everyone, receive numerous newsletters, and read & listen a lot. I have the keen skill to assimilate vast amounts of information and spit out a concise representation of what I read.


I am also going to break the sin of all sins for a Mexican and talk about my personal thoughts/ fears/ goals/ hopes/ despair, my life as a writer, and my life as someone with an illness. I am going to write about taking chances with your dreams, going for your dreams, and what you need to do to make them come through. I am especially going to write about you and how you can do different, more, and better to support each other and yourself. If we don’t begin to support each other, there won’t be an “other” soon.


Everyone talks about the networking and social mentoring of Latinos. Where is it? Who does it? What does it look like? Organizations? Associations? Building Esteem workshops? Phleeezzee!


Want to know how? Keep coming back. Keep reading each Sunday. You challenge me and I’ll keep on delivering. I can promise you one thing. It’ll be interesting.


What would you like to read about on this column? What subject/topic would you like me to cover? Send me your suggestions and questions.


Thank you